Trust in God, or, The Riddle of Kyon
by EliezerYudkowsky
Summary: In their third and final year at North High, Kyon confronts the implications of the Riddle of Epicurus for his relationship with Haruhi.
1. Chapter 1

Trust in God,  
or,  
The Riddle of Kyon

.

The characters and the universe are the property of Tanigawa Nagaru,  
and I made an attempt to borrow his writing style as well.

.

I believe I ended this story in an appropriate place,  
but I would hardly object if you choose to continue it,  
since all this is done in the first place without permission.

.

.

.

With a troubled sigh, I collapsed into my chair in the club room. Across from me, Koizumi did the same without the sigh. Koizumi looked frazzled, like a rag that had been used to mop up one spilled tea after another.

There was no mystery about the cause of this phenomenon: winter was near, the winter of our third year and final year in North High, and the feared university entrance exams - on which a student's whole future life hinges - were approaching at speeds like a magnetically levitated train falling out of the sky.

Of course Koizumi wasn't worried about passing his exams. Unlike myself, Koizumi excels at every area of intellectual endeavor - with the exception of board games, at which he loses to six-year-old children and intelligent cats.

Still, it wouldn't take a great detective to understand the sequence of cause and effect. Koizumi was worn from lack of sleep. This in turn had eventuated from his being woken up in the middle of the night to deal with the Sealed Realities that had been forming. The Sealed Realities had been forming because the great leader of the S.O.S. Brigade, Suzumiya Haruhi, was under stress herself.

Not that Haruhi would be afraid of the entrance exams either. She too excelled over me at academic arts, and someone with even a day's knowledge of Haruhi would realize that she was far too confident to be afraid of a test. If Haruhi were confronted with the final exam to be a space astronaut, she would charge in ahead like the Light Brigade.

It followed with the inexorability of mathematical proof that Haruhi was worried about something else, and it was not difficult for me to understand what.

Endings. Beginnings. In a word, changes. These are the sources of fear.

All of us in the S.O.S. Brigade would have to select which entrance exams to take, which meant selecting our universities, which meant choosing our futures.

And Haruhi, who wouldn't show regret or hesitation in steering her own life, would still be worried about whether the others of the S.O.S. Brigade... no, I have come to acknowledge it. I am past the point where Koizumi has to patiently explain it to me yet again. I will say it clearly: Haruhi is concerned about myself. She does not want to be separated from me.

If the world kept on turning at its normal pace, with 24 hours in every day, the chance for me to be accepted by the same university as Haruhi would take a quantum miracle like electron tunnelling. Of course such rules don't apply to a poor soul like me who has been ripped from the flow of ordinary time. Itsuki Koizumi's Organization could certainly arrange for a university to take me, though I'd rather not know how. The Data Integration Thought Entity that stands behind Nagato Yuki could rearrange the data of the exam results. As for Asahina Mikiru, I don't know what a time-traveling girl could do about university entrances. But Asahina-san, who was formerly a year ahead of us, last year became sick on test day and failed that year's entrance exams and became a ronin. Just so that she could keep coming to this clubhouse after school. It never pays to underestimate the power of a cute maiden.

And if Haruhi truly desired me to be in the same university as her, there can be no possible doubt that it would happen. Even if she had to recreate the whole universe.

The problem being that Haruhi doesn't know about any of this.

So there was a troubled look in Haruhi's eyes, even as she kept up her usual harassment of the rest of us. Today Haruhi had chosen to make the innocent Asahina-san a participant in her own execution - that is, Haruhi had been browsing online to find new costumes for the poor girl, and she had been forcing Asahina-san to watch and "give her opinions", which consisted mostly of small, cute screams. I wished for Haruhi's sake that she were consciously sadistic rather than just oblivious; it seemed a shame for Asahina-san to be tormented so beautifully without Haruhi even enjoying it properly. Two years ago, I would have watched the whole scene without my eyes leaving for an instant, claiming to myself that what I felt inside was pity. But even the charms of Asahina-san's suffering had become somewhat routine after two years, and it was Haruhi's face that I found myself glancing at instead, when I looked up from the Go board on which I was crushing Koizumi.

Finally the costume-shopping expedition ended with a satisfied click from Haruhi and a wail of absolute despair from Asahina-san. I would look forward to seeing that one. Haruhi stood up from the computer and plopped herself down at the table, next to Koizumi and myself, a meter distant from where Nagato was reading yet another book.

Haruhi tapped the table impatiently, giving Asahina-san a stern glance. "Tea," Haruhi said abruptly, and Asahina-san scurried off in her Haruhi-mandated maid costume to obey, still sniffling.

I don't understand how Haruhi executes this sort of behavior without creating an atmosphere of sexual dominance.

Then Haruhi turned her fearsome gaze on Koizumi and myself.

If there's one universal law that holds even in a world containing Haruhi, it's that, no matter how bad a situation looks at the time, you can't guess in advance how Haruhi will make it worse.

Haruhi's eyes moved to me directly.

She gave me a searching look.

Then she turned away and looked out the window, staying silent.

I went back to playing Go with Koizumi.

It wasn't until minutes later, after sipping some of the tea poured by the obedient Asahina-san, that Haruhi turned back to Koizumi and I. She set down her teacup on the table and asked:

"Do you believe in God?"

What the hell kind of question is that for God to ask you?

If I had been drinking tea myself I would have spit it all over the Go board. At this point in my disastrous high school education, I didn't need anyone to explain the terrifying possibilities if Haruhi got religion.

Haruhi created the S.O.S. Brigade out of her desperate boredom with the tedium of a lawful universe and press-ganged us to search for espers, aliens, and time-travellers. We're pretty sure that she was the one who created the espers, aliens, and time-travellers as well. While making a ridiculously low-quality movie, Haruhi became so involved in her imagination that Asahina-san developed dangerous laser vision, trees bloomed out of season and a cat started talking. For two years we've run ourselves ragged trying to hide Haruhi's powers from Haruhi, so that she goes on trusting her invincible common sense. Our school life is unstable enough because of Haruhi's wistful desires. If Haruhi began to believe that impossible things are possible, the laws might change all over the universe.

But if there's one terrifying factor that could destroy Haruhi's common sense even with all the evidence carefully hidden away from her, that factor would have to be religion. When you put it that way, it's such an awful threat that... that it's surprising we never had to deal with it before now.

I couldn't even speak, I was so horrified by the thought of what might happen if God became a devout believer in Scientology.

Thankfully, even in his sleep-deprived state, Koizumi grabbed up the thread of the conversation and the burden of saving the universe.

"Which God?" asked Koizumi. "There are infinitely many possibilities, whether Brahma, Jehovah, or even the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Or I should say, what do you mean by God?"

Haruhi made an annoyed gesture. "You know what the word God means!"

Sadly, we do.

"How can I know what you would consider to be God?" countered Koizumi. "If a force is present throughout the world of nature, from a falling leaf to a doe giving birth, and yet has no body itself, and if that force is the creator of human beings but not created itself, is that God?"

Haruhi furrowed her eyebrows briefly, and gave a puzzled nod.

"Because," Koizumi continued, "that is just a way of describing what conventional science says about natural selection. And yet someone who hears about evolution doesn't look at the result and say that science has discovered God. So people do have something specific in mind when they talk about God, a requirement that excludes many possibilities. But then most of the possibilities would be outside their expectations."

Haruhi looked dissatisfied at this, as though suspicious that Koizumi was trying to give her the runaround, which he was. "But what do _you_ believe?"

A slight smile appeared on Koizumi's lips. "I believe that the reality is probably strange enough that no one would ever hit on the truth just by trying to imagine one thing after another."

Koizumi, you are an amazing person. No one could deny that your reply was truthful. If you asked a person on the street to enumerate all the possibilities, they would die of old age before they got to "God is Suzumiya Haruhi, a third-year student at North High."

"That's a boring answer," pronounced God in her usual tones of discontent. I have never understood why God would create a universe that annoyed her so much, though it's the one aspect of theology that conventional religions guess correctly.

The gaze of the yellow-ribboned deity turned to rest upon my own quivering soul. "What about you, Kyon?"

If I had been at all intelligent, I would have answered "I agree with Koizumi". Instead, I foolishly picked that time to try to show off my cleverness.

"For myself," I said, "I would have to ask about the riddle of Epicurus -"

"It's not Epicurus's riddle," Koizumi interrupted.

And he shot me the most alarmed look he could manage with Haruhi watching.

I was confused.

Koizumi continued. "Epicurus lived before the invention of monotheism, so he wouldn't have thought to say anything about God. It must be a misattribution."

"But what's the riddle?" Haruhi asked.

Koizumi made a careless gesture. "Oh, just something along the lines of, why does God allow evil? Of course there are many possible answers to that."

"I was asking Kyon, though," Haruhi said. She gave Koizumi a hard look, then turned to me.

Koizumi nudged my ankle under the table.

"Ah," I said through my bewilderment, "that was pretty much it, really. Just that -"

Well, come to think, I couldn't honestly say that for this reason I didn't believe in God. It would have been my answer a few years ago, but it didn't work anymore.

At this point my thoughts collided in on themselves like a hundred-car pileup on the highway, and I couldn't think of a single word to say next.

The uncomfortable pause stretched.

"- well, I don't believe in any stories told by conventional religions," I finally finished, striving to make my voice sound ordinary. "Anything which needs that many excuses is probably a lie."

Koizumi seemed satisfied with this, or at least he didn't kick me again.

"Mm." Haruhi mulled this over. She gave a careless look over in Asahina-san's direction. "What about you, Mikuru-chan?"

"Eh," Asahina-san stuttered, a cute look of sudden panic crossing her face, "I, I would just go with what Koizumi-kun said."

Bah. Showing off her superior intelligence like that.

Nagato Yuki seemed as always to be entirely absorbed in her book, and Haruhi didn't even bother asking. With a few more remarks, Haruhi left the room to go home for the day, freeing the rest of us.

My own thoughts were still scattered. I looked at Koizumi. What was _that_ about?

The tired esper seemed to slump further in his chair. "The Riddle of Epicurus is an argument for disbelief in God, not just agnosticism."

So? It could be disastrous if Haruhi converted to any religion. Shouldn't we be trying to make her more skeptical?

Koizumi shook his head. "That is just going from one danger to another. Suppose Suzumiya-san became a fanatic atheist and went about denouncing the foolishness of the concept of God. What would happen given that she disbelieved in herself?"

My thoughts collided with themselves further, like a car wreck spreading into a nearby train system. I got up from my chair and went to stand by the window, staring out at the blue sky and the few buildings that could be seen from here. What _would_ happen?

Koizumi shrugged wearily. "I don't know either, but I think we should be aiming to create a state of suspended judgment. We can't afford for her to believe any falsehoods, or the truth either."

I nodded, not trusting my voice.

"But that girl certainly has changed," said Asahina-san in her soft tones, as she put away Haruhi's teacup. "Two years ago, she wouldn't have thought to ask our opinions, only told us what they should be."

I made my excuses then and left. I had something to think about.

It was the next day at lunchtime when I saw Haruhi taking out that book to read. In that low-class school cafeteria where there are too few chairs, Haruhi and myself had somehow managed to grab a matched pair. I was behind on studying and planned to read through lunch, and so Haruhi took a book out of her own backpack.

I glanced at the cover, interested in what Haruhi might be reading these days.

It was _The God Delusion_ by Richard Dawkins.

I choked and coughed on my sandwich as if I had been eating a giant bug. I couldn't even imagine how ironic it would be if an atheist professor persuaded God that she didn't exist and caused her to blink out of reality followed by our whole universe, but I knew that it wasn't what I had in mind for today's lunch.

It was at this point - I found myself explaining to Koizumi and Nagato and Asahina-san a few hours later, after Haruhi had left for the day - it was at this point that I had panicked.

"Tomorrow," echoed Koizumi. "You asked her to meet you there _tomorrow morning?_"

"Tomorrow is Saturday," I pointed out.

They just stared at me. Even Nagato stared at me.

Sweat was forming on my forehead. "In any case, can you do it?"

Koizumi looked a little worried. "You don't seem to understand how conspiracies work. You can't just order anyone to do anything. You have to find a pressure point. If the pressure you can apply is weak, you have to do other things to create excuses. Even if I can find out who can allow you and Suzumiya-san into a sealed-off area, how can I get them to do it? A monetary bribe would create great suspicion, if there's no clear reason why you would consider it worth the money. It may be that we're lucky and that the owner of the building is a member of the Organization, but things usually aren't that convenient."

"With respect to explaining the purpose of the bribe," I said, "you could simply tell them that I wanted to take her there on a date."

Asahina-san laughed softly.

Nagato had gone over to the computer and begun typing. With everyone present already knowing her nature, her fingers moved so fast that the sound of her typing was like thunder. After a ridiculously short time as always, Nagato looked up and said, "I believe I comprehend the building's security systems."

That wasn't the ideal solution I was hoping for, but with luck it would work. Thank you, Nagato.

"However," Nagato added after a moment, "I do not understand why this undertaking is necessary."

How _could_ I explain my extraordinary request? "That girl is the one who said, 'love is a mental illness'. This rules out certain strategies. I can't take her to a fancy restaurant because she has no interest in something as ordinary as that." She would stab me with the butter knife, to put it frankly. "I also estimate that Haruhi would not react well to flowery professions that another girl might consider 'romantic' -" Again, the butter knife came to mind. "- but she still desires romance in her heart. Thus the place itself has to speak for me." I waved my hands helplessly. "But it can't be an _ordinary_ romantic place, because that girl would never even go there. So I thought I should take her somewhere strange - though not _too _strange -" I shut my mouth, aware that I was babbling out too many excuses.

"I believe Nagato is asking," said Koizumi, "why it is necessary for you to confess to Suzumiya-san at all. This seems like a serious overreaction to the matter of distracting Suzumiya-san from a book. Shouldn't we keep this card in reserve for a more critical occasion?"

Asahina-san gave a small, wistful smile. "Sometimes I remember that you really are a male, Koizumi-kun. This is a matter of the heart - no matter how unbelievable that seems with those two -"

Sometimes I wonder if Asahina-san resents losing me to Haruhi.

"- and when it's time, it's time."

I cleared my throat. "Besides, the real problem at hand, the cause of all these Sealed Realities, is that Haruhi is uncertain about our future. I can't just say to her 'Tell me your choices for university so that I can apply there as well.' That itself is tantamount to a confession. Therefore I do feel that this may be the correct time. It must happen eventually, at any rate, and putting it off is also a risk."

Asahina-san shook her head in amazement. "It seems that Kyon-kun is also quite male. But considering the female of the pair, I think that in the end those two are well-fitted to one another."

I walked over to the club window and stared out. _I think that in the end those two are well-fitted to one another..._ The terrible weight of what I planned to accomplish tomorrow was beginning to sink into me.

"Is Kyon-kun nervous?" Asahina-san said softly.

Of course I'm nervous! Gah!

"Kyon-kun, I... I wish there were magic words I could say to reassure you, but in the end nervousness is only natural for a boy confessing to a girl." She smiled a sudden, bright smile, every bit as cute as the day I first saw her two years ago. "It's happened many other times over the course of history."

I swallowed an agonized laugh that was trying to claw its way up my throat. Of course. I'm sure _many_ other high school boys have been in _this_ situation.

"Koizumi," I said abruptly. My voice was jerky as I spoke. "If a Sealed Reality forms while I am speaking to Haruhi, send text messages to my cellphone. I don't think that interrupting the conversation will be a good idea, so I will set it to vibrate. One vibration for a small Sealed Reality, two for a large one, three for one that is extremely huge, and four vibrations if it seems that Haruhi is about to erase this world. I will do my best to recover the situation."

There was black silence in the club room.

I stared out the window at the sky and ground and the buildings full of people.

Two years ago.

That was the last time Haruhi got fed up with this reality.

I woke up one night, dressed in my uniform, finding myself inside this very school, in a grey world without stars or clouds. A Sealed Reality, huger than anything seen before. And the terrible blue giants, the Avatars, destroying the buildings. Ordinarily I wouldn't see a Sealed Reality; that was the job of Koizumi, and his fellow espers, to fight the Avatars. But that one time two years ago, they were locked out. In that whole world there was only myself and Haruhi. And soon that world would replace the formerly 'real' one.

I tried to persuade Haruhi that going back to the ordinary world was desirable, but she was finally seeing something interesting happen. She had a good feeling about the new world, she said. I even told her that in the 'ordinary' world she was a special person, that the world revolved around her. And she only looked back out at the blue giants destroying everything, with a strange happy look in her eyes.

_Snow White,_ the future Asahina had told me. The one hint she was allowed to give.

So at the end, I told Haruhi that I had really liked seeing her in a ponytail, and closed my eyes, and kissed her... and then I woke up on the floor of my bedroom. The next day in school, Haruhi said that she'd had a nightmare last night, and she was wearing a ponytail.

Two years ago. That was the night I wouldn't forget if I outlived the universe, the night of my first kiss.

Sometimes, even my sense of normality shatters, and I start to think about things that you shouldn't think about. It doesn't help, but sometimes you think about these things anyway.

I stared out the window at the fragile sky and delicate ground and flimsy buildings full of irreplaceable people, and in my imagination, there was a grey curtain sweeping across the world. People saw it coming, and screamed; mothers clutched their children and children clutched at their mothers; and then the grey washed across them and they just weren't there any more. The grey curtain swept over my house, my mother and my father and my little sister -

Koizumi's hand rested on my shoulder and I jerked. Sweat had soaked the back of my shirt.

"Kyon," he said firmly. "Trying to visualize the full reality of the situation is not a good technique when dealing with Suzumiya-san."

How do _you_ handle it, Koizumi!

"I'm not sure I can put it in words," said Koizumi. "From the first day I understood my situation, I instinctively knew that to think 'I am responsible for the whole world' is only self-indulgence even if it's true. Trying to self-consciously maintain an air of abnormality will only reduce my mind's ability to cope."

"It's not a good weight to put on your first confession," said Asahina-san. "You're only a boy and a girl together. Just do your best, Kyon-kun!"

Even Nagato spoke, in that toneless, utterly calm voice. "Unromantic thoughts have no utility to you in the present situation."

Why must I think about it?

Why?

All these endless days of trying to keep Haruhi under control, I had managed not to dwell on the stakes at risk.

Why have I suddenly lost that ability?

But I knew the answer to my rhetorical question. A certain thought had caused me, just a short while ago, to realize that my brain had avoided thinking about some matters. Once you come to that sort of realization, you can also see other things you haven't been thinking.

The fact remains that Haruhi's attachment to me was the only lynchpin that held this universe together. Even though Haruhi might have changed over time, there is no guarantee that this aspect has become any different. If I told Haruhi that I never wanted to see her again, or let her discover me in the arms of another woman, there is a high probability that the sun would not rise the next morning. If I didn't look both ways before crossing the road and was hit by a passing truck, then Haruhi might remake the universe to bring me back to life, or reality might just not be there anymore.

Isn't that a ridiculous burden to bear while crossing the street? How can it possibly be that one person has to take responsibility for the world like that? If billions of lives hung on it, wouldn't there be ten crack military units to watch me cross the street, with all trucks cordoned off for a hundred-mile radius? Wouldn't there be government ministers and CEOs convening to decide what to do about Suzumiya Haruhi, so that the matter would long since have been taken out of the hands of this high school student? This outlandish degree of personal responsibility makes me want to say, "But that sort of thing couldn't possibly happen in real life."

I looked over at Nagato. In theory, she represented a whole interstellar network of beings who existed in pure 'data', a society so strange that it seemed futile to try to think about any part of it except the organic interface Nagato Yuki. And yet there could be a billion times as many worlds out there as Earth, just because Haruhi conceived a desire for the existence of 'aliens'.

I refused to think about that part, however. That was where I drew the line. It's one thing to take care of your own personal planet, but worrying about a billion other solar systems would indicate incipient megalomania. It would take a genuine weirdo to accept responsibility for a whole intergalactic civilization.

"Nagato," I said, "I want to talk with Haruhi about personal things, and I might be embarrassed if I thought the Data Integration Thought Entity was listening to our conversation. Is there any way you can assure me that we have some privacy?"

"I cannot stop the Data Integration Thought Entity from listening," Nagato said in her colorless voice, "but I should be able to detect if they do. If so, I will cause your cellphone to emit a small chirp. In the absence of this evidence, you can infer that no one is listening."

I couldn't even look at her, thinking about our strange friendship and how much I was presuming on it. And my trusting relationship with Koizumi, and Asahina-san...

"Kyon certainly has changed," observed Koizumi.

A chill ran down my spine. What does Koizumi mean by that?

"Storming in here with a completely insane plan he made up all on his own, and expecting the rest of us to go along. Does it remind you of anyone else you know?"

"Yes," said the lovely Asahina-san, her voice soft and sweet. "I also think that Kyon-kun has grown closer to his promised bride."

If you're done speaking horrible words that shouldn't be considered even in the silence of one's private mind, I think I'll go now.


	2. Chapter 2

When Haruhi arrived I was already waiting on the street, humming a cheerful tune to keep my spirits up - the opening melody from that history show with the sun rising over the horizon.

"Well?" Haruhi snapped as she stalked over to me.

For once that girl was dressed to suit her natural beauty. Jeans and sneakers, and a pastel-patterned long-sleeved shirt with a piece cut out to expose a diamond of skin above her breasts. I was surprised that girl's brain contained such an ordinary concept of 'sexy', a middle ground between school uniforms and bunny suits.

"Very good," I said. "This should work for the plan." It was indeed what I had requested: _fashionable, without being conspicuous for a schoolgirl_; and _not something you would worry about getting dirty, if you had to get down on your knees and elbows to crawl_.

Haruhi's eyes narrowed. "That's not what I mean, you! What is this 'place' we're -"

I looked at my watch. In just 2 minutes we'd be behind schedule.

"_What_ schedule?" stormed Haruhi.

I began to move toward the entrance to that structure, the dominating skyscraper, the tallest building in this area of downtown. The morning sun blazed through the clear, calm air and gleamed like a hundred golden spotlights off the straight, flat sides of the towering building.

Haruhi followed, making bloodthirsty threats in an effort to obtain information. However, I had done some reading on the foreign concept of 'romance', and I understood that 'mystery' was an important quality in boys, and that to explain everything right away would destroy the 'mystery'.

"Follow my lead," I instructed Haruhi in the confidential tones of a spy, "and don't say anything suspicious once we're inside."

Haruhi was outraged at my insolence. She did not, however, seem bored. Sometimes I thought I understood how to handle this girl.

We stepped through the great glass doors of the skyscraper.

"Ah," I said uncertainly as we came to the entrance desk. "We have an appointment to see... Kimura Ryuuichi-san on the 49th floor?"

With a bored expression, the salaryman at the desk picked up a phone, dialed, spoke. He asked for our names, and I provided the aliases that Koizumi had given me to memorize. Then we were directed over to a security guard standing in front of an elevator bank, and we were waved through.

I glanced over at Haruhi to see how she was doing. To her credit, she was keeping an ordinary passive expression on her face. When she saw that I was looking at her, she let her eyes widen just once in incredulity before relaxing them again.

I would be a lying bastard if I claimed that I wasn't enjoying this part.

The elevator took us up to the 49th floor, and we got off. The elevator closed behind us, and went on its way -

Then, rather than moving toward Ryuuichi-san's office, I stepped over to the call button, and pressed it.

Ding! Another elevator had arrived, and Haruhi followed me in, shooting me another look of incredulity.

"Kyon!" Haruhi whispered. "Why are we just going back into -"

I took a small, white cube out of my pocket and held it up to the elevator's reader; it beeped, and a red light flashed to green. Then I punched the button for 60, which was as high as the elevator went, and we started rising.

"We had to get off at 49 earlier," I explained, "because the security might have noticed if we didn't stop at the original floor. Don't worry, Ryuuichi-san knows we're not really coming."

"Kyon!" exclaimed Haruhi. "What was _that?_ Where did you get it!"

"I borrowed it from someone who had access to advanced devices," I said blandly. "Someone who really wasn't supposed to lend it to me, so I know you'll understand that I can't tell you the name."

(The kindly-natured Asahina-san had wanted to do _something_ to help. I don't think she expected me to use the device in plain sight of Haruhi, but that wasn't a very consequential matter by comparison.)

"_Kyon?_" said Haruhi in a tone of shock.

"The next part is tricky," I warned her. "Once we get off, keep silent and follow me until I tell you otherwise. Be sure to stay calm. Oh, and try to walk quietly."

Haruhi opened her mouth to say something, and at that moment, the elevator dinged. At once she closed her mouth.

There was a time when I would have danced across the rooftops of the city in celebration of finally finding a way to make that girl shut up. To have her do so at my orders, with that look of helpless indignation in her eyes, would have been like an impossible dream that could only fall as a blessing from somewhere even higher than Heaven. I still felt that way, to be honest.

The elevator doors opened, and we stepped out onto the 60th and highest floor into a small entrance vestibule with four doors. Thankfully there was no one else present. I went to the third door, without opening it, and held up a finger to Haruhi to indicate that we should wait.

After a short while, I heard faint footsteps from the other side. I brought up my wristwatch and began counting seconds.

23 seconds after the footsteps passed, I turned the doorknob - it rotated freely, indicating that Nagato had successfully dealt with that security system - and carefully opened the door to reveal a long, grey-carpeted corridor studded with doors.

I walked through, trying to let my sneakers hit the floor with little force. It still made a little noise, but not so much that the security guard would hear, I thought. I softly closed the door behind us - glancing down at my watch again as I did so. Then I walked off in a certain direction, Haruhi following behind me. In accordance with the natural laws governing this type of situation, that girl walked much more quietly.

I counted off the doors as we passed, glancing at my watch the while. The ninth door had a keypad next to it. I tapped code 3499027 into the keypad. Then I painstakingly opened that door, and let Haruhi pass through before stepping through myself and carefully closing the door behind.

We now stood in a stairwell, wide and windowless and strictly utilitarian with white paint. There were no stairs down, and the top of the stairwell was around one and a half stories above us, separated by two flights.

Rather than continuing forward, I held up my finger again for another wait, looking intently at my watch. In a short while we heard footsteps passing the door to the corridor. I kept my finger up for another 30 seconds after that, then moved toward the stairs.

Haruhi followed. As for the expression on her face, it was indescribable in ordinary language. You would have to engage a poet specialized in praising the beauty of girls who are confused as hell. I think a day like this might be the best in my whole entire life, and I hope it isn't the last.

At the top of the stairs was a door with signs saying things like "Keep out" and "Danger" and "Alarm will sound". I pushed it open without a qualm, mentally thanking Nagato again.

We stepped out, and just like that, we were there - in the location which (I had reasoned out) was the best possible place for me to do this.

The roof of the skyscraper was a huge wide space which no one had bothered to beautify in the least, just a flat plane of dusty light metallic-grey. There was a short raised ledge to mark the border with the air, so that from where we were standing in the middle, you couldn't see the lower world at all.

I had worried about winds, since winds are faster as you rise higher. The air at ground level had been calm, but up here there was a steady wind that blew against my skin, and now and then a sudden gust - still, nothing that would knock a person over. There were no clouds at all in the terribly pure, sapphire-blue sky. Really, you would have to call these ideal conditions.

I glanced over at Haruhi to make sure she was all right and still flabbergasted, and then I began to walk toward the nearest boundary of the roof.

"I don't think we should be standing up right next to the edge," I said, "but if we crawl on our hands and knees when we get close, we should be safe from vertigo or a gust of wind."

Haruhi was following. "Is Kyon an international jewel thief?" she asked. Her voice sounded surprisingly calm.

Of course not. If I myself was an international jewel thief, I wouldn't have needed to borrow that device from a friend.

"Well then, are aliens from outer space going to come here and take us off this roof?"

If that were to happen, it would mean that my plans had failed.

"Kyon," Haruhi said.

There was a note in her voice that I had heard before, but only very rarely.

It was the emotion that a casual acquaintance would think was unknown to Suzumiya Haruhi, that concept called "concern".

Haruhi looked serious.

"This doesn't seem like something Kyon would do. Isn't a place like this a little dangerous? What are we doing here?"

I stopped walking for a moment, and looked at her.

"Haruhi," I said, "it can be hard to talk to you sometimes, did you know that?" I had to pause then, and take a deep breath, and exhale, and then do it again. Certain words had been waiting in my brain for an endlessly long time now, and the process of finally expelling them was putting so much tension into my voice, it was a wonder that my vocal cords didn't rip themselves apart.

"I mean," I said when I could speak again, "if right now, in this serious situation, I were to just completely ignore you, and laugh, and go on doing whatever I was doing, you would be a little put out about being ignored like that, wouldn't you?"

Haruhi's eyes were wide. I guess the amount of pent-up anger in my voice was so great that even Queen Oblivious of Oblivia had noticed it.

"Because that's what _you_ do, Haruhi, all the time. You just go ahead and do whatever you please, and you don't accept any requests from the people you drag along with you. Like our existence isn't worthy of your notice."

I had to stop, then. I was aware that my hands were shaking. I felt a sense of distant surprise; I had no idea there was so much bottled up inside me.

This wasn't how I'd meant things to go. Not at all.

Haruhi opened her own lips again. She had a cautious look on her face.

"I'm sorry," Haruhi said.

My jaw dropped open. Completely literally, I would have expected the world to end before I heard Haruhi say those words.

"I had no idea Kyon felt that way. Why didn't you say something earlier?"

"Say something?" I said. There was still a lot of tightness in my voice. "What good would it have done to say something? Under ordinary circumstances, it's impossible to have a serious conversation with you."

Haruhi looked at me. Then, "Maybe I should just keep apologizing," she said, "but that would be giving up my own pride. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but the fact remains that Kyon never said anything."

I complained about your behavior many, many times! I couldn't count the number of times using exponentiation, tetration, or up-arrow notation! You never listened to a single thing I said!

"You didn't indicate you were being serious!" said that girl in a tone of indignation.

I SAID that I was serious! I said, 'Seriously, Haruhi' and 'I'm being serious now, Haruhi' and many similar phrases!

"That's just a figure of speech!" shot back that insane girl. "No one would think you're really being serious if you say it like that!"

We were alone up here, and there was no realistic way that anyone could hear us no matter what happened, so I threw back my head and screamed "GYAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

When I was done, I felt a little better.

Haruhi was staring at me. "Is _that_ why you wanted to have this conversation on top of a skyscraper?"

Ironically, no. That was just an unplanned side benefit.

"Then why _are_ you doing all this? This isn't the sort of thing Kyon does!"

My mouth twisted. "You know, Haruhi, I really used to lead a boring life before I met you. Just like all those people."

"All those -?"

I turned and began walking again, toward the boundary of the skyscraper. As the vast ground and horizon far below us came into view, I dropped to my hands and knees and began crawling forward, just in case there was a gust of wind, or my brain decided to make me fall over.

I reached the edge, controlled my breathing, stuck my head out over the border ledge, and looked out on everything.

Of course it wasn't everything. Not really. It was only a tiny, tiny fraction of the Earth. And yet there were so many more cars, so many more houses, so many more buildings, and the tiny people, so much more life than I could comprehend. How long would it take just to talk to all the tiny dots that were visible from here, and hear out their stories?

Looking out over that vast panorama, my imagination couldn't help but picture a curtain of grey nothingness sweeping across it -

I drew back my head from the brief artificial ledge. I swallowed hard, and tried to suppress the feeling that I was going to throw up. I had the feeling I was a little more afraid of heights than I had realized just from riding on rollercoasters. My plan hadn't accounted for that.

So I drew back, and watched Haruhi look out over the world...

As she looked, some of the concern eased from her face. Soon Haruhi was relaxed, smiling, delighted by the view.

Of course that idiot goddess wouldn't be afraid of heights.

Finally Haruhi turned her head away from the world, and looked at me. She said, "It really is much more beautiful like this than just looking out a window from high up."

My own lips opened. "I have a lot of things I want to talk with you about, Haruhi," my voice said. I was surprised by how gentle I sounded. "This conversation may not go like you expect. Even so, can you please take this seriously, listen to me seriously, and reply to me seriously, if it's just for one small hour?"

"Of course!" said Haruhi.

Ugh. That 'Of course!' didn't sound too promising. "I mean it, Haruhi."

"If I say I will, I will," Haruhi asserted. She shot me a look as if to say 'Stop questioning me.'

Sigh. Maybe that girl got to be God by virtue of being the ultimate island of stability.

I raised a hand to gesture out at the panorama, and began.

"All those people," I said. "The ordinary world. According to all the stories, this ordinary world is what the extraordinary people try to protect. If you read a comic book about superheroes, it would be about superheroes defending all those everyday lives. The superheroes wouldn't be trying to cure AIDS or feed starving children in Africa or otherwise change the world. We have scientists for that sort of thing. No, a superhero is someone who defends that ordinary, everyday life from the forces that try to change it. Even if those stories come from our imagination, still, those are the people we praise above all others."

Haruhi was looking a little surprised, as though shocked that I was capable of philosophy deeper than ankle-deep. Still, she opened her mouth in reply and poured forth her own thoughts on the subject:

"I vehemently disagree with that attitude."

I nodded. Haruhi could hardly be expected to agree with any words in praise of normality. "But it's an ordinary human instinct to want to preserve the status quo, because if the status quo is broken, you could lose everything you already have. To gain anything beyond your current life, or even fix something terribly wrong in your current life, you have to risk losing what you already have. It's like how it's prohibited for us to be on this rooftop. With us kneeling down like this, we won't fall, and a gust of wind won't blow us off the edge. So why isn't this beautiful view available to everyone? Well, but what if we decided to throw a bowling ball off this building? Since this rooftop is 262 meters high, the bowling ball would fall for 7.3 seconds and strike the ground like a cannonball at 248 kilometers per hour. If someone did manage to fall off this rooftop, then the normal laws of physics, which don't care about human beings any differently from bowling balls, would dictate that they die. To obtain the joy of this beautiful view, people would have to risk something they already have. Losing something you already have is much more painful than giving up a possibility that hasn't been realized. That's why most people allow themselves to be trapped in normality, even when it's uncomfortable. And the S.O.S. Brigade doesn't have any right to look down on those people, Haruhi. Because even in the S.O.S. Brigade, you might find people who were afraid to move forward and reach for more, if that risked the status quo we call 'the ordinary world'."

Haruhi nodded slowly, to show that she had seen through the hidden meaning of my words about our relationship.

Of course she didn't really see at all.

I looked back out on the world. "But you know... things always change, and therefore the status quo is always lost. If things can't possibly stay the same way _forever,_ then when will I confront the risk? Is it better to wait until we're older, when our youthful idealism has been ground down by the many compromises an adult makes in order to be successful? Or is it better to just let things slide, not thinking about the distant future, until finally it all falls down? I think that's what the people who defend the status quo might not realize. And -" My voice stumbled. "And I'm afraid too. It's not even that I found my courage. I just realized that it wasn't possible, in the long run, for things to stay this way indefinitely. What happens when you're thirty years old? What happens when you're ninety years old? In the long run, the status quo can't possibly persist. Once I realized that, it wasn't even a question of courage any more. Just a question of timing. So I want to try talking with you a little more honestly, Haruhi."

"All right," that girl said. "What did you want to talk with me about?"

I swallowed. "It might seem a little odd, but... by way of introducing an important topic... I would like to change the subject back to the one that you introduced the day before yesterday."

Haruhi blinked at this. "New costumes for Mikuru-chan? Oh! You mean the topic of God."

There was a moment of silence. Haruhi was looking puzzled, and as for me, the words seemed to be sticking in my throat again.

"Well?" Haruhi said. "What does theology have to do with our - I mean, what does theology have to do with anything?"

_Breathe,_ I told myself. "I remember I once saw an online debate between an atheist on the one hand, and a theologian on the other hand. The debate was about faith. What does Haruhi think about the concept of faith?"

Haruhi looked puzzled. "Well, obviously it's a crutch for weak-minded people who don't understand science."

I coughed and tried to suppress a grin. Certainly a statement like that was very characteristic of Haruhi, but - "Don't you think that some people might criticize you for holding that stance, and simultaneously wanting to meet psychics, aliens, and time-travelers?"

"I want to _meet_ them," Haruhi stated firmly, "not _believe_ in them. Rather than resting on faith, I am trying to test my beliefs and obtain evidence. Therefore, my attitude is scientifically correct."

I wasn't sure Richard Feynman would have agreed with that. "The atheist in the video asserted that the concept of 'faith' had been invented by religion to protect beliefs that could not be defended by any other means. In other words, it's like someone telling a lie about being sick, who, when challenged, has to forge a note from the doctor, and then later, give a phone number for the doctor which connects to a friend's cellphone. If you had to keep on defending a lie for long enough, you would eventually invent the doctrine of 'it is virtuous to believe no matter what'."

Not surprisingly, Haruhi approved of the atheist's stance.

"But," I continued, "the theologian shook his head sadly, and said that the atheist was naive about the emotional depth of the experience of 'faith', that it wasn't a concept invented by culture, but a feeling built into all human beings. In proof of this, the theologian offered the analogy of someone who's told that their lover has been unfaithful to them. If the evidence wasn't conclusive - and if you really loved that person - then you might think of everything they meant to you, and everything that you had done together, and go on putting trust in them. To trust someone because you love them more than anything - we would even call this _believing in_ your lover. This, the theologian said, was the emotional experience at the root of faith, not just a trick of argument to win a debate. That's what an atheist wouldn't understand, because they were treating the whole thing as a logical question, and missing out on the emotional side of everything, like Spock. Someone who has faith is trusting God just like you would trust the one you loved most."

Haruhi's gaze was abstracted, probably looking for hidden meanings in my words. "And what did the atheist say to that?" she asked.

"Oh," I said, "I think he shook his head sadly, and commented on how wretched it was to invent an imaginary friend to have that relationship with, instead of a real human lover."

Haruhi laughed aloud. "I think the atheist won the debate."

I wonder what the theologian would think if he knew God had said that - or the atheist, for that matter.

In my mind I visualized the Earth as seen from above in the photos taken from spacecraft, a great glowing blue-white orb. In my mind I visualized the stars. Slowly turning, the Earth, forever shining, the stars. I tried to draw strength from that image, since I couldn't exactly pray to God.

It was time to risk something I already had.

I muttered something about needing to stand up, and walked away from the ledge a little. I couldn't look out at the panoramic view of the city without imagining a grey curtain sweeping across.

I turned back to Haruhi, and said:

"But trusting a friend who turns out to be imaginary isn't the most awful thing that could happen to you. Not by any means."

Haruhi furrowed her brow. The awful tension was coming out into my voice, now.

"I mean," I said, the words shaky, "what if you believed in God, and trusted God, and it turned out that God wasn't worthy of that trust?"

Haruhi was starting to look anxious. Anxious and confused.

Suddenly the cellphone in my pocket gave two silent buzzes, the signal for a Sealed Reality forming - a large one, but not a huge one, not yet.

"Kyon," Haruhi said - her own voice was tense now - "what are you talking about?"

Besides her being anxious, I also saw that Haruhi was squinting as she tried to look at me, since the morning sun was behind me. So I stepped a little to my left, so that my shadow would fall on Haruhi. From her perspective it must have looked like I was a darkness blocking out the Sun.

"I'm talking about the Riddle of Epicurus."

And I spoke the words which I had burned into my memory.

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then she is not omnipotent.  
Is God able, but not willing? Then she is malevolent.  
Is she both able and willing? Then whence evil?  
Is she neither able nor willing? Then why call her God."

Haruhi stared at me.

"I mean," I said, my voice trembling, "this world - this world where children go hungry and die, where children get sick and die, where children are abused and even sold into slavery, where a hundred and fifty thousand people die every day - this world can't be forgiven, Haruhi. If someone deliberately made this world like that, then she couldn't be forgiven either. For the longest time I didn't think about that. I just went to school on weekdays. Maybe I can't be forgiven for that, either. Conventional religions try to talk about free will, which doesn't make any sense for letting children be born with uncurable diseases. Conventional religions talk about God's inscrutable wisdom. Can _you_ think of a good reason for God to do that, Haruhi? If," I swallowed, "if you do have an answer, I'm willing to hear it out."

Haruhi, who was beginning to look frightened by the way I was acting, shook her head.

"I didn't think so," I whispered, "I didn't think there could be an answer to that." Then, raising my voice again, "So where does that leave us? If you eliminate the atheistic answer to the Riddle of Epicurus - that there _is_ no being of omnipotent power - then that leaves the possibility that God is, is malevolent." Something seemed to be blocking my throat. "There are stories like that in H. P. Lovecraft. That God created the whole universe as a dream to entertain itself, just because it was bored; and it doesn't mind when the people in the dream suffer. Maybe God is entertained by the suffering, or maybe God just doesn't care one way or the other. Wouldn't that be the most terrible betrayal of all? If you trusted God like trusting the one you loved most, and it turned out that God was a monster that created the world out of boredom to divert itself, absolute power and absolute callousness? If God's true heart is like that, some alien uncaring thing, then we're all doomed anyway, and the world might as well end sooner rather than later. I don't want to live if God is like that!"

"Kyon." Haruhi's own voice was breaking now. I looked at her, and she looked just like an ordinary school girl, dressed prettily in jeans and sneakers and a shirt with a diamond cut out above her breasts. Not alien, or cold, at all. "What - what is this -"

"But," I whispered. My voice strengthened. "But, the Riddle of Epicurus doesn't exhaust all the possibilities. Like Koizumi said, the truth might be outside the conventional categories. I mean - what if God were omnipotent, but not omniscient? What if she could do anything, and didn't know it? What if she honestly didn't know that she had the power to do something about the world? What if she wasn't even thinking about all the horrors of the world, just like I wasn't thinking about them for so long? Then God might, might, she might even be a good person after all. Someone who would save people and take care not to shatter the Earth, if she knew that she was God." I was crying freely now, the tears running down from my eyes. "She might really truly be, a good person."

"So I've decided to trust in God," I said, and now I was smiling even through the tears. "I will believe in God with all my power. Because I have faith in you, Suzumiya Haruhi."

Haruhi stood up. She walked closer to me. Her arms twitched for a moment, like she wanted to reach out to me. "Kyon," she said, her voice wavering, "please stop. Please explain. I don't understand what you're talking about."

"I'm talking about you. You're God."

The endless wind blew across the deserted rooftop of that skyscraper, as though we were the only two people in the universe. In my imagination, if not in reality, the whole universe held its breath, waiting for God to respond.

"I still don't understand," said Haruhi. "Is it a metaphor for -"

"It's not a metaphor for anything. You're God, Haruhi. It's not a figure of speech or a koan, it's a plain fact. The answer to the great question of theology is 'God is Suzumiya Haruhi'."

Haruhi's face twisted. She looked as if she was trying not to burst into tears.

In my pocket, my cellphone vibrated three times. Well, you would expect a girl to be upset if the boy she liked had gone insane.

"You're thinking I'm crazy," I said. "You might find the idea a little odd, but it's not something I just made up. I was also surprised when I first heard, but I've seen unmistakeable things over the last two years, and there's no doubt that it's the truth. Will you hear me out? I can offer you evidence -" And I took a step closer to her, so that I was almost touching her, and leaned forward slightly -

"Don't!" Haruhi said fiercely, and she took a step back from me. She was starting to cry, now. "Don't you dare kiss me, Kyon! A kiss isn't evidence! A kiss isn't something that couldn't possibly happen if I'm not God! I won't let our first kiss be so sad! I won't let our first kiss be wasted like that!"

I took a deep breath. This was it.

"Our first kiss was two years ago, beneath a grey sky, within the school grounds as they were destroyed by blue giants, on the night you almost erased and remade the world."

Haruhi paled. I'd thought that was a figure of speech before, but her cheeks literally went white as the blood drained from them.

And I stepped closer to her again, and I said those same words again, which I'd never forgotten:

"Though you may not know it, there are all sorts of people who are very concerned about you. It's not ridiculous to say that the world literally revolves around you. Everyone believes you are a very special person, and they've tried to back up those beliefs with actions. You may not know it, but the world is headed in a very interesting direction."

Haruhi was utterly frozen, now. Then her lips fluttered a little and she whispered, "What now..."

This was the thing she had said last time, two years ago, at this point.

"You know, I really like you in a ponytail," I recited.

"What?" Haruhi whispered the appropriate reply.

"I don't know when, but since then, I can't stop thinking of you in a ponytail. I think that suits you best..."

"What's gotten into you?"

For the second time in my life, I leaned over and kissed Haruhi. I kept my eyes open, this time. Both of us were crying, but I don't think it was a sad kiss.

This was when I had woken up, last time, but today this world was still here. The script from before had run out. Now it was time to continue and move forward.

"...and I like you, Haruhi, and I want to date you. But before that there's one last thing I have to do first. I have to awaken you. I want you to wake up, God, because of the good you could do in the world, and all the prayers that no one is answering right now. I want you to wake up, God, for the sake of the ones who are screaming and who would give anything for it to stop, and for the sake of all the countless people in the world who are quietly unhappy. And maybe I'm even doing this, because faith can only last for so long before you need evidence, and I want to be sure of you, Haruhi."

My throat closed. I would have prayed, then, if there had been anyone to pray to except the slight girl standing next to me.

But my prayers weren't answered. Haruhi's face didn't suddenly light up, she didn't suddenly say, 'Oh, I _am_ God!' Beneath the tears, her face still looked confused.

"What happens if I believe all this?" Haruhi said, her voice trembling. "Am I supposed to try and create... a banana or something?"

I had been afraid it would come to this.

"No," I said. "I don't want you to try that. Up until now the world has been sustained by your common sense, that you don't believe things like that are possible. I suspect that if you just tried to make a banana or something, your common sense would prevent you from doing it, and then you would become even less confident and the whole task would become harder. You might even acquire the belief that you can't do anything, and I don't know what would happen then."

I slowly circled around Haruhi. She turned herself to track me. Soon it was me who was facing Haruhi and the Sun, and Haruhi who was looking toward me on a line toward the edge of the skyscraper's roof.

"So you're not going to try to create a banana," I said. "There's no reason for you to slowly level up and unlock your powers. A hundred and fifty thousand people die every day, which works out to one hundred people dying every minute, so I don't think we should take time for that. I think that trying to do it slowly would just worsen the chances of success, anyway. Instead you're going to wake up and realize your capacity as God in one shot. I believe in you, I trust you, I have faith in you, and that's how it's going to be." This was why I had brought us here in the first place.

I leaned forward again and kissed that girl. I hugged her desperately, and inhaled the scent of her hair.

Then I stepped back, and stepped back again.

"You have 7.3 seconds."

I whirled and dashed for the edge of the roof. I think I was half-expecting Haruhi to move faster and grab me back, but it seems that I succeeded in taking her by surprise.

Her scream came just as my foot was launching me off the ledge.

"KYOOOOONNNnnnnn-"

But the sound of her voice dwindled rapidly.

I'd imagined myself looking back up toward her as I fell, but in retrospect that couldn't happen; the world whirled crazily about me and I had to close my eyes almost at once. If there was a grey wave sweeping across the world, I didn't want to see it, anyway.

Trust in God -


End file.
